Rumours of my demise have been

greatly unreported.

Despite non-appearances I am still here. Ploughing my lonely furrow. Spreading the good word. Fighting the good fight.

Rest assured I am busy. Busy working for my MP. Trying to make sure Labour wins the election. Making sure the Tories don't. Making sure we never again have a party in power that ignores the plight of the least well-off. A party that would happily sell its own Granny (listing her on the FTSE in the process and making sure they all got jobs on the board). So my hard work is all in a good cause ladies and gents. I’m busy making sure my MP wins so I can afford to pay the rent after May....

So that's the reason for the non-posts...for those of you who have noticed. It may be a bit self-important to make such an apology. But I'm a polite boy - and I'm English - so I apologise for everything. Even when it’s not my fault.

Tis a tad unfortunate though as I'd signed up to the Bloggers4Labour site and wanted to compose a searing indictment of Conservative policy. Fortunately the Tories save me the effort by publishing their own policies but I still hope to write something of such stunning clarity and insight that you think "Blimey. I never knew he had it in him. I might just vote Labour on the strength of that man's argument. "

Until that moment I'll just keep filling your minds with this guff...

Axis of Evil

Iran played North Korea in a World Cup qualifier...

And the referee was Syrian.

Iran won 2-0. Apparently the North Koreans weren't too happy about this and started lobbing seats and bottles at the referee.

"The atmosphere on the pitch and outside the pitch was not a sports atmosphere," said Iran's Croatian coach Branko Ivankovic. "It is very disappointing when you feel your life is not safe. My players tried to get to the bus after the game but it was not possible - it was a very dangerous situation."

It is "very disappointing when you feel your life is not safe". Must have been nice for the players to get on that plane home then...

Budget Special 05 - Its official! The Labour Government is better than Arsenal..

GB in the Budget said (and apologies for not having the exact quote, the HM Treasury don't include this little riff in the transcript of the speech) something along the lines of:

"We saw last season a team that went 49 matches without defeat [that'll be Arsenal, Ed]. In December I reported 49 quarters of consecutive growth. Today I can report economic growth for the fiftieth consecutive quarter. The Budget forecast is continued growth in quarters 51, 52, 53 and 54..."

So, its official. This Government is better than Arsenal...Arsenal last season that is. When they were winning. Not so sure the Premiership comparison is an encouraging one now...the tale of a team in blue overtaking their rivals is not one I want to see repeated in the political sphere. Just as well the political team in blue isn't backed by dodgy business men with millions in off-shore accounts.

Maybe, there's another downside to the comparison...as one wag put it when I told him that the Government were better than Arsenal, "Even Plaid Cymru are better than Arsenal - and they have more Englishmen in their team..." (Thanks RW).

"Sometimes there's no quiet way to say "fuck off"

...that's the whole problem".

There's no doubt about it, those are wise words. But who penned them? Wilde? Voltaire? Winton?

Wrong, wrong and thrice wrong for these are, in fact, the pithy outpourings of a citizen of one of the UK's finest cities. (No, not Derby, RW).

These words were sent to our office on a plain piece of paper with "Sometimes there's no quiet way to say fuck off" scribbled at the top...and then, right at the bottom of the paper and below an expanse of white space, "that's the whole problem".

Clearly my MP's pre-election material is working well.

No contact details were given. Not that much of a surprise really. After all how am I going to respond to that....?

"Dear ___,

You may be interested to learn that there are actually a number of quiet ways to say fuck off. In conversation, a 'tut' will often suffice and, in written correspondence, a response like "We thank you for your interest in this subject and assure you we are doing all we can" conveys the tone of faux-politeness with a 'don't write again' message .

As your MP, I have taken a keen interest in quiet ways to say 'fuck off' and have learned this from the Whips who specialise in the overt variety of 'fuck off'. Moreover, under this Government, thanks to record investment in public services and sound management of the economy, ways to quietly say "fuck off" have actually increased four fold since 1997 (in real terms).

We thank you for your interest in this subject and assure you we are doing all we can.

Yours...."

Save Our Scottish Regiments from...

Anal Ganation.

Our soldiers are stout, hardy defenders of the faith and you won't find any criticism of them on this blog. Oh no. Wife-beating, alcoholism and thuggery are, of course, not confined just to our armed forces. The police get up to it too. And the judges. And the Zionist conspiracy which runs our banks and superloos. Oh yes.

Anyway, to get back to anal ganation for a moment. An ex-colleague with time on his hands noticed the following in the parliamentary papers last week:

Mr Tam Dalyell (Linlithgow): To ask the Advocate General, if she will make a statement on the writ served on her by the Edinburgh branch of the King's Own Scottish Borderers concerning the anal ganation of the regiment.

(Hat tip: MR)

This Government will stop at nothing to humiliate our most cherished institutions will it? First, amalgamation of the Scottish regiments and now this?

P.S. Yes, yes, we know. It has now been retyped for the Parliamentary record...it is amalgamation. Clearly Tam's handwriting isn't what it should be...

"Whever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry..."

"I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

(Human Rights Campaigner Mariah Carey)

We can't all be blessed with the clear-sighted geopolitical analysis of a failing pop-diva but I'm not going to let that stop me spouting off occasionally about the subject of politics.

Actually, to be truthful, anything that sustains my unqualified rage for the 1.2 seconds it takes before I'm annoyed about something else is liable to be pasted up on this site.

Anyway, what I want to say is that this site is for any topic I might find interesting. A surprising notion for a blog you might think....but please send me any links, news or slanderous gossip (journalism students please note we did libel laws in class only a year ago...) and I will be happy to publish them.

Use your imagination and the email contact on the left-hand side...

Our Man In Westminster

The One Man and their Dog that read this blog probably know that I work in the House of Commons and that I work for a Labour MP.

In fact, the Dog has had suspicions for some time that I am, in fact, a Closet Communist. But the Man insists that I am not a Communist because (1) Communism is dead and (2) he ain't going to listen to an animal that ain't got sense enough to disregard its own faeces. ..

(hat tip SLJ, PF http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/quotes ).

Working for an MP in Westminster makes me feel as if I should be making insightful comments into the Parliamentary process or getting the inside track on Westminster gossip. Or possibly a combination of the two.

The failure to do either leaves me a little crestfallen but hey, whaddya going do? Run off and join the circus?

At the moment my 'privileged knowledge' seems to extend only to minor misunderstandings with MPs and Peers that either make me look an arse or end up with me getting a telling-off. Its like being at school all over again.

Anyway, best stop now...I think I may be getting a bout of blogorrhea.

Thimbles

So why 'The Thimble'?

As one who likes to maintain an air of mystery - rather than a pied a terre in Islington - I shall, for now, refrain from explaining why I have chosen 'The Thimble' as my nom de bloguerre. Suffice to say that those who know, know and those who don't know, don't know (to speak in Rumsfeld-ese for a moment)

If you'll forgive me though I want to refer you to an article by Barbara - yeah, you know, Barbara thingy, that thimble collector - who talks about the joys of said hobby.

http://www.about-antiques.com/thimble_article.htm

I know what you're thinking - "that boy sure does his research" and "why did this page come up in a Google search?" - but if you read the article, and it really is worth a read, then the following passage stands out:

During Word War I, thimbles also became a type of currency. It breaks my heart to relay this story, but in England 350,000 to 400,000 sterling thimbles were donated and melted down in order to buy much needed hospital equipment.

Those poor innocent Thimbles sent to their deaths. And for what? Truly Owen was right when he wrote "The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est Pro patria mori.

So here we are then...a brave new era

Well, I must say its nice of you to visit. You don't call for weeks, you never write, you forget my birthday...but it sure is nice to see you.

You've aged a bit since I saw you last. The hair's a bit thinner, the eyes a little heavier and those teeth of yours always were a tad crooked. But it sure is nice to see you.

How's the job going? Still looking to move on/shag that guy you fancy in the office/demand a pay rise/jump off Westminster Bridge?

Whatever. I take you as you are. It sure is nice to see you.

Welcome to the very first post of my blog and please come back again soon.