"Sometimes there's no quiet way to say "fuck off"

...that's the whole problem".

There's no doubt about it, those are wise words. But who penned them? Wilde? Voltaire? Winton?

Wrong, wrong and thrice wrong for these are, in fact, the pithy outpourings of a citizen of one of the UK's finest cities. (No, not Derby, RW).

These words were sent to our office on a plain piece of paper with "Sometimes there's no quiet way to say fuck off" scribbled at the top...and then, right at the bottom of the paper and below an expanse of white space, "that's the whole problem".

Clearly my MP's pre-election material is working well.

No contact details were given. Not that much of a surprise really. After all how am I going to respond to that....?

"Dear ___,

You may be interested to learn that there are actually a number of quiet ways to say fuck off. In conversation, a 'tut' will often suffice and, in written correspondence, a response like "We thank you for your interest in this subject and assure you we are doing all we can" conveys the tone of faux-politeness with a 'don't write again' message .

As your MP, I have taken a keen interest in quiet ways to say 'fuck off' and have learned this from the Whips who specialise in the overt variety of 'fuck off'. Moreover, under this Government, thanks to record investment in public services and sound management of the economy, ways to quietly say "fuck off" have actually increased four fold since 1997 (in real terms).

We thank you for your interest in this subject and assure you we are doing all we can.

Yours...."