Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Unveiling the Grauniad's new columnist...Jacques Chirac

As the paper that printed an opinion piece by Osama Bin Laden, its nice to see the Guardian again give an up-and-coming young journo a chance by commissioning Jacques Chirac - the President of France according to the blurb at the end of the article - to write a piece in today's paper.

The article is worth reading, though. Entitled "Zidane, Gitane and Champagne", the Prez reveals what was actually said on that night in Berlin ('you'll never advertise 'Just for Men'" was apparently the damning final remark from the Italian centre-back), that big Jacques' only ever smoked a Gitane once and that was to celebrate an oil deal with Saddam Hussein, and that Chirac still has about 400 bottles of champagne stashed away in his cellar from the time when he was Mayor of Paris*.

Whatever else he is though, Chirac is brave...he's had his article posted on CiF, exposing himself to the kind of people who have programmed themselves a keyboard short-cut for 'Zionist-Imperialism' and who think that "Blair+Bush=Hitler" constitutes a reasoned argument. This being the case, I do hope the NUJ Chapel at the Elysee Palace is making sure Chirac's getting his proper rates...

*As Mayor of Paris Chirac and his wife, Bernadette, spent roughly £300 per day on their personal food and drink alone.

Bag-carrier news...

Forget terror threats or Fathers4Justice campaigners spreading purple powder, the way to bring Parliament to a stand-still is to ensure the division bell keeps ringing all-the-bloody-feckin'-time...

The division bell started going at 10.30am and is still on...this is like some sort of torture technique. In our humble office in Norman Shaw South we are starting to see stars and uttering all kind of idle threats to the Serjeants staff who are probably responsible for this farrago.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The New Collective Noun Campaign!

There's a sexy blog post title. It was going to be entitled 'Lazy post to remind occasional readers that I do still have access to a keyboard' but I omitted that in the interests of brevity.

Last week I was standing outside the Holland & Barratt on Villiers Street - it is the place to be - when a young girl came up to me and asked 'Do you want to end world poverty?'

Fearing that this may involve several years of diplomacy, a Phd. in economics, reform of the EU, an overhaul of the UN, and the establishment of participatory democracies in countries currently subject to tyrannical regimes, I politely replied 'No...not at the moment'*. While this encounter failed to illicit an appropriate level of charity in me it did make me think that our society is in desperate need of some new collective nouns....Here's a few half-arsed suggestions of my own but I'd be grateful to hear your contributions:

A nuisance of chuggers
An obesity of teenagers
A Hello of celebrities
An audit of accountants
A monotony of home-improvement programmes
A draught of real-ale campaigners
A clutch of Kwik-Fit fitters
A mute of chat-show hosts
A shower of meteorologists
A shoal of anglers
A blog of self-publicists


All other suggestions will be gratefully received...

*Jimmy Carr: A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we’re not going to get much done.”

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Interns of the world, unite!


In an expose of the Dickensian poor-house working conditions prevalent in the Mother of Parliaments, the TUC has demanded that the Low Pay Commission investigate the employment of young people on unpaid internships - especially in Parliament and in the media.

The TUC argues that MPs who employ interns on no pay could be breaching employment laws,
and fear that the system could lead to exploitation rather than opportunity.

This follows the Danny Dewsbury story and an article in the Guardian in September which 'investigated' - i.e. they searched the w4MP website - the use of interns by MPs and found that the adverts placed by MPs required candidates to be available five days a week, to have good office skills but offered no pay.

So what to do then? Well, its true that interns are exploited. I've one of our interns running across London at this very moment to pick up some truffles and a copy of Horse and Hound. But the truth is that they love it. They demand to be exploited. The poor darlings labour in the mistaken belief that the three months of stuffing envelopes and faking the MP's signature will result in the offer of a junior position in the next government. It would, in my view, be unkind to threaten the purity of this dream by introducing the distasteful concept of monetary reward, thereby reducing this noble pursuit to the equivalence of other wage-earners such as lawyers, courtesans and bankers.

It is true also that the current set-up favours the middle-class kids who can afford to work for free, handing them the opportunities for advancement denied to their less well-off counterparts. But surely it is better that it is the snotty-nosed bourgeoisie who are engaged in these menial tasks rather than the salt-of-the-earth proletarian who would do better to dedicate himself to a life of plumbing a sink or wiring a fuse?

As a Socialist, I feel these sentiments are in line with my egalitarian beliefs (...) but what would be the solution if one should want to find one?

Well, you could pay them a living wage for a start...but where would that money come from? The press coverage of MPs allowances was wont to describe the cost of running an office as 'expenses', as if MPs were raiding the account to pay for weekends at the Savoy rather than paying the staff in their offices to deal with all the correspondence and case-work that goes with being an MP. This being the case it is hard to believe that Parliament would stomach raising the office cost allowance to pay for intern staff...and the parties certainly don't appear to have the money to pay staff either.

If the rules were tightened up to make it more difficult for MPs to hire interns then it is probable that they would increasingly use overseas students (such as the Hansard Society scholars) who would presumably be exempt.

So what's the solution then? Just as this blog's old friend Martin Horwood MP suggested sticking a laundrette and a dry-cleaners in Parliament, it is the commercial option that must be considered here. Indeed, a problem has yet to be invented to which advertising cannot provide the answer. This being the case I humbly suggest that interns should wear a sandwich board - funded by a private company - while going about their duties. Sure, it will make getting through those turnstiles at Portcullis House that bit more difficult but at least they would be able to afford to buy their own tea once they get in the building...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Speaker has a mare

Michael Martin made a bit of an arse of himself at PMQs today.

While the likes of Quentin Letts have always had it in for the Speaker (or 'Gorbals Mick' as they are wont to dub him), the Thimble, sadly without a newspaper column to vent his opinion, has always felt a bit more protective towards the MP for Glasgow North East. Maybe it was those mince pies we shared at a Christmas Reception in the Speaker's Apartments which bred such goodwill....

Today the Speaker mucked up though. He told Cameron he couldn't ask the PM who he wanted to succeed him as Labour leader as this was a matter for the Labour party.* Cameron could only ask the PM about Government business, the Speaker ruled (cue a chorus of disapproving howls from the Tory benches).

The distinction might be true but it is meddling in semantics given that Labour are the party in power. The Speaker really didn't need to wade in on this occasion and the ridiculousness of his intervention was highlighted by the fact that Cameron was then able to ask the PM who he wanted to be the next Prime Minister. This, at least, suggests that the Speaker's ruling might be as ineffective as it was ill-judged.

All in all it was a pretty crap PMQs and one the Speaker will presumably want to forget.

*Added. I should say that Cameron didn't actually mention the Labour Party (see here) which makes the intervention even more weird.