Overheard at the National Gallery...

What follows are comments overheard at the Velázquez exhibition last night:

"This is a all a bit Spanish innit"

"That King Philip - definitely a nonce"

"You look a lot like Philip - you have the same bad hair parting"

"That dog looks very sinister"

Amis in the Independent

In today's Indy, Martin Amis has the dubious honour of dealing with questions from Indy readers. Some choice responses include:

The phrase "horrorism", which you invented to describe 9/11, is unintentionally hilarious. Have you got any more? JONATHAN BROOKS, by email

Yes, I have. Here's a good one (though I can hardly claim it as my own): the phrase is "fuck off".

He does expand on this answer a little. Also...

Which is your favourite of your own novels and why? RICHARD LONG, by email

Your novels are like your children, and you try not to have favourites. But you tend to favour the one that has had the hardest time of it, so I will go for Yellow Dog (and, to repeat, Tibor Fischer [the reviewer who wrote "Yellow Dog isn't bad as in not very good or slightly disappointing. It's not-knowing-where-to-look bad. I was reading my copy on the tube and I was terrified someone would look over my shoulder ... It's like your favourite uncle being caught in a school playground, masturbating] is a creep and a wretch. Oh yeah: and a fat-arse). I had a soft spot for it anyway, but when I saw it being scragged in the playground ...

And:

Whats the worst thing that's ever happened to you? NESA GARDEZI, by email

One day I returned home from a book tour in the US, and I noticed that the leading edge of the toilet roll in the bathroom wasn't folded into an inviting V - as it was in all those American hotels.Not only that. I then had a tedious five minutes issuing instructions about the new arrangement to my wife.

And finally this:

What is the most depressing thing about Britain you have observed since your return? And the best? GRANT MULLIN, Surrey

The most depressing thing was the sight of middle-class white demonstrators, last August, waddling around under placards saying, We Are All Hizbollah Now. Well, make the most of being Hizbollah while you can. As its leader, Hasan Nasrallah, famously advised the West: "We don't want anything from you. We just want to eliminate you." Similarly, when I went on Question Time the other week, a woman in the audience, her voice quavering with self-righteousness, presented the following argument: since it was America that supported Osama bin Laden when he was fighting the Russians, the US armed forces, in response to September 11, "should be dropping bombs on themselves!" And the audience applauded. It is quite an achievement. People of liberal sympathies, stupefied by relativism, have become the apologists for a creedal wave that is racist, misogynist, homophobic, imperialist, and genocidal. To put it another way, they are up the arse of those that want them dead.

The best thing has been to find myself living in what, despite its faults (despite a million ills), is an extraordinarily successful multi-racial society. This is a beautiful idea, with a good chance of becoming a beautiful reality, too.

Fingerprints and frippery

The Observer's front page yesterday warned that British visitors to the US would have their fingerprints stored 'on an FBI database alongside those of criminals'. The article outlined alleged plans to move from the taking of two fingerprints to the scanning of all ten fingers. A Homeland Security spokeswoman explained that, "The reason for 10-digit fingerprints is that it is more secure than the two-digit system, and the 10-digit system is becoming the international standard".

Liberty and other civil rights groups raised concerns over the proposals, while Simon Davies, head of Privacy International, sounded like he was auditioning for a voice-over role on American movie trailers by saying:

Be warned. A San Francisco Bay family holiday may easily become a nightmare.

What concerned me most, when civil rights organisations often employ the 'slippery slope' argument to criticise policy, was the question of what system would supercede the 10-digit regime when it was no longer sufficient to nail potential suspects?

Could there be a move to take impressions of male genitalia - I've had the odd girlfriend refer disparagingly to my own 'impression' of male genitalia - where casts or moulds would be taken to prove identity? Vast warehouses would need to be erected (sorry...) across America to store this new 'membership' and the queues at airports would add significantly to overall journey times. Such a policy could also be seen to be discriminatory, however, as female passengers would not be subject to such a scan.

Enlightened thinking is necessary here then. The recent passing of the office Christmas party season may provide a few pointers. Given how keen far too many people are to photocopy their own derriere, perhaps US Homeland Security could introduce a 'photocopier and Cava' procedure where Brits grab a glass of cheap fizz before jumping on the nearest Xerox machine to have images of their buttocks recorded for identification purposes? For some people's it might even improve upon the existing photo they have in their passports....