What kind of humanist are you?

Haymaker

I took the New Humanist survey and this is what it says about me..."You are one of life’s enjoyers, determined to get the most you can out of your brief spell on Earth. Probably what first attracted you to atheism was the prospect of liberation from the Ten Commandments, few of which are compatible with a life of pleasure. You play hard and work quite hard, have a strong sense of loyalty and a relaxed but consistent approach to your philosophy.

You can’t see the point of abstract principles and probably wouldn’t lay down your life for a concept though you might for a friend. Something of a champagne humanist, you admire George Bernard Shaw for his cheerful agnosticism and pursuit of sensual rewards and your Hollywood hero is Marlon Brando, who was beautiful, irascible and aimed for goodness in his own tortured way.

Sometimes you might be tempted to allow your own pleasures to take precedence over your ethics. But everyone is striving for that elusive balance between the good and the happy life. You’d probably open another bottle and say there’s no contest. "

Of course, this is all guff really. I can see the point in abstract principles (I've always thought that Newton had a point with his gravity idea) and I've never been into GB Shaw. I do have my ethics too and only a very good bottle of Chateauneuf de Papes would convince me there's no contest...

What kind of humanist are you? Click here to find out.

Wax on, wax off....

Having my finger firmly on the pulse of yoof culture, and not having a word to say about the important issues in the world today, I'd like to draw your attention to the recent death of Noriyuki "Pat" Morita.

Morita played Kesuke Miyagi in Karate Kid movies and became an almost iconic figure (I exaggerate in the manner standard in these profiles...) as the character who sagely guided the Kid in question, developing the Kid's martial arts skills while getting him to valet his car at the same time.

Mr Miyagi also played an important role in pioneering an environmentally friendly insect repellant. In the photo you see him demonstrating this invention, catching flies with his chopsticks.

Reading his obit, it says he started off as stand-up comic. As someone who was interned in America during WWII, his first big gig was, perhaps, particularly tough. At a 2,000 seat hall in Hawaii he unexpectedly found himself facing a huge crowd of World War II veterans, many of them disabled. They were there to observe the 25th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.

He began by telling them that he wanted to apologise, on behalf of his people, for screwing up their harbor. The vets roared at this and he went on to play clubs for another 2o years...

Larceny and masturbation

My subject header doesn't, you will be pleased to know, refer to a new late-night programme on Channel Five (probably one where Quentin Wilson commentates on grainy CC-TV footage of our feral youth stealing socks from TK-Maxx before going on to detail their solo night time habits) but a couple of items which have gained my attention this week.

Of course, working for an MP and being affiliated to Bloggers4Labour should, perhaps, lead me to a discussion of topical political matters like the pensions issue or the case for nuclear power. But, of course, I'd rather stick to topics I know something about. Like stealing and wanking.

As many of you will know, in WHSmiths they often have a money bin to drop your change into if you want to grab a newspaper rather than queuing up and paying for it. For many this is a convenient invention, saving as it does the important commodity of time while also negating the need for human interaction. But this invention is, inevitably, open to abuse. I am a bit shaky on my contract philosophy but it seems apparent that, with the provision of the money bin, some form of contract is established between the proprietor and the consumer (i.e. they do expect you to cough up if you take one of their products - ground-breaking philosophy this). Now, as a fire-brand radical I believe such bourgeois constructs deserve to be defied, but I did nevertheless feel a pang of guilt this morning when I found myself short of change and paid only 45p for my Guardian rather than the 60p cover charge.

Part of me expected the bin to be equipped with some kind of coin recognition system which would then activate a high-pitched alarm followed by an electronic voice which would bark, "Halt! You have paid only 45p for your Berliner format publication. Please insert the remaining 15p or report yourself to the nearest police officer." But, of course, it didn't happen and I was left with a tiny soupcon of guilt at short-changing a 3ft high plastic receptacle.

In my defence, your Honour, I should say also that the Guardian's recent performance (Bunting and the dreadful Simon Jenkins esp.) don't really deserve to be rewarded by a full-price monetary reward. Taken this way my 45p contribution was probably 50p too much. This act could also, perhaps, be the stimulus to a bigger movement where we pay for our papers on the basis of how much we think they are worth rather than the antiquated system currently in place where the vested interests of the newspaper industry decide what we should and shouldn’t pay.

As I'm on this topic I should also draw readers to the regional variations of the money-bin phenomenon. In London the money bins have grey/black coin lids but, in Leeds, the lids to insert your coins are transparent so everybody can see just how much you've paid for your paper. Are people in Leeds deemed more untrustworthy than those in London? Surely not....

Anyway, enough of that. Now to the masturbation. I spotted a quaint little article in the Guardian Education supplement this week about a scientific study into masturbation. The University of California’s research found that men get distracted when they masturbate. Really? That’s quite a finding. Click the title of this post to read on…and wait for the next piece of research from California University which finds that boys are sometimes attracted to association football and automobiles.

A tinge of regret sweeps across me now. I can’t help feel that I’ve sullied the previously unimpeachable integrity of this blog by making lewd references. Sorry guys, it won't happen again. I’ll pay 75p for my Guardian next week as penance.

For the love of the game

'His head is never in the clouds, his words are always moderate, he has strong moral values'.

Words spoken of a top-flight footballer, but whom? Well, it's not Wayne Rooney...it's Damiano Tommasi. He's the AS Roma midfielder who has asked his team to pay him only the minimum wage. Apparently he simply wanted to return to playing football at the highest level and economic considerations were low on his list of priorities...he signed on because he 'loves football'.

Of course, its far too easy in circumstances like this to point to comparisons but some might call it 'refreshing' to hear of a top-level footballer driven by motives other than financial renumeration. I don't believe footballers are only driven by money but I wonder whether this guy might consider going down the Tomassi route?