Larceny and masturbation

My subject header doesn't, you will be pleased to know, refer to a new late-night programme on Channel Five (probably one where Quentin Wilson commentates on grainy CC-TV footage of our feral youth stealing socks from TK-Maxx before going on to detail their solo night time habits) but a couple of items which have gained my attention this week.

Of course, working for an MP and being affiliated to Bloggers4Labour should, perhaps, lead me to a discussion of topical political matters like the pensions issue or the case for nuclear power. But, of course, I'd rather stick to topics I know something about. Like stealing and wanking.

As many of you will know, in WHSmiths they often have a money bin to drop your change into if you want to grab a newspaper rather than queuing up and paying for it. For many this is a convenient invention, saving as it does the important commodity of time while also negating the need for human interaction. But this invention is, inevitably, open to abuse. I am a bit shaky on my contract philosophy but it seems apparent that, with the provision of the money bin, some form of contract is established between the proprietor and the consumer (i.e. they do expect you to cough up if you take one of their products - ground-breaking philosophy this). Now, as a fire-brand radical I believe such bourgeois constructs deserve to be defied, but I did nevertheless feel a pang of guilt this morning when I found myself short of change and paid only 45p for my Guardian rather than the 60p cover charge.

Part of me expected the bin to be equipped with some kind of coin recognition system which would then activate a high-pitched alarm followed by an electronic voice which would bark, "Halt! You have paid only 45p for your Berliner format publication. Please insert the remaining 15p or report yourself to the nearest police officer." But, of course, it didn't happen and I was left with a tiny soupcon of guilt at short-changing a 3ft high plastic receptacle.

In my defence, your Honour, I should say also that the Guardian's recent performance (Bunting and the dreadful Simon Jenkins esp.) don't really deserve to be rewarded by a full-price monetary reward. Taken this way my 45p contribution was probably 50p too much. This act could also, perhaps, be the stimulus to a bigger movement where we pay for our papers on the basis of how much we think they are worth rather than the antiquated system currently in place where the vested interests of the newspaper industry decide what we should and shouldn’t pay.

As I'm on this topic I should also draw readers to the regional variations of the money-bin phenomenon. In London the money bins have grey/black coin lids but, in Leeds, the lids to insert your coins are transparent so everybody can see just how much you've paid for your paper. Are people in Leeds deemed more untrustworthy than those in London? Surely not....

Anyway, enough of that. Now to the masturbation. I spotted a quaint little article in the Guardian Education supplement this week about a scientific study into masturbation. The University of California’s research found that men get distracted when they masturbate. Really? That’s quite a finding. Click the title of this post to read on…and wait for the next piece of research from California University which finds that boys are sometimes attracted to association football and automobiles.

A tinge of regret sweeps across me now. I can’t help feel that I’ve sullied the previously unimpeachable integrity of this blog by making lewd references. Sorry guys, it won't happen again. I’ll pay 75p for my Guardian next week as penance.