Anarchy in the Mother of Parliaments

Confusion and mayhem hit the House of Commons today when the division bell , which alerts MPs to vote, developed a fault which caused it to ring even when a division (vote) had not been called. MPs - merrily watching childrens' telly in their Westminster pied-a-terres, enjoying a quiet pint or two in the local hostelry or devouring a filet mignon in a neighbouring bistro - were turned into gibbering wrecks as they felt obliged to rush out of their respective comfort zones to turn up for a three-line Commons vote.

Some left their pints immediately to make it to the lobbies, while others desperately snatched one last lingering look at Pingu or a forkful of foie gras, but for some it was all too much. The Honourable Nicholas Soames (Con, Mid Sussex), exercising the good grace of which his grandfather would have been proud, threw his pig's head in pigs trotters casserole at passers-by to express his profound indignation at being deprived of his third lunch of the day.

Fortunately, reader, this didn't happen at all. Fat Nick didn't miss out on his dinner. They’ve all got pagers now (“Will MP x please proceed to the lobby to vote on the Hedgehogs and Furry Animals Bill and remember to pick up some milk on the way back") so a catastrophe would have, in any case, been averted.

But we should be grateful too for the swift and decisive action of the Commons authorities. They acted with the efficiency and ingenuity for which they are renowned (how unkind of you to bring up the purple flour incident and that Otis Ferry business). The Serjeant at Arms (Peter Grant Peterkin) emailed all the users of the Parliamentary Network to trumpet his high tech solution to the division bell problem - flash the word DIVISION on the annunciator screen when there was a genuine division.

Genius.

With simple and effective solutions like these it can only be a matter of time before Peter Grant Peterkin is moving on to bigger and better things. Forget securing peace in the Middle East (oh, sorry, you had), surely the odds must be shortening on PGP (Peter Grant Peterkin) to take over from SGE (Sven Goran Erikkson) before the World Cup next year?