Madonna, Guy and David...

THE SCENE: Ashcombe House, a country estate on the Wiltshire/Devon borders. GUY RITCHIE is sprawled out on the chaise-lounge. He is alone and watching Animal Hospital. The TV shows a dog on the inspection table in a veterinary surgery. The dog is barking aggressively.

GUY RITCHIE: Just shoot the bitch! Geez, five-hundred nicker just for an examination and now that slag wants it to go in kennels. Un-fucking-believable.

The door opens. Richie’s spouse, Madonna, walks in. She is carrying a child.

MADONNA: Cooommme on Guy, what have I told you about watching Animal Hospital with the curtains closed? Open the drapes, will ya? Let a Ray of Light through, for chrissakes.

GUY: Sorry, dahlin. Won’t ‘appen again. Whatchya carrying there then? Its not another bleedin’ book on Kabbalah is it?

MADONNA: It’s a baby, Guy.

GUY: A baby? Blimey. Let's have a butcher's, then…

GUY rises from the chaise-lounge, takes the child in his arms and tenderly unwraps the shawl from around the baby. MADONNA beams with pride.

GUY: Where do you get it from then?

MADONNA: Malawi.

GUY: Malawi? Is that north or south of the river?

MADONNA: Its in Africa…It’s a democratic, densely populated country located in southeastern Africa. It has Zambia to the north-west, Tanzania to the north, and Mozambique surrounding it on the east, south, and west. And…

GUY [interrupts]: You got that off wikipedia didnchya? You know fuck-all about Malawi.

MADONNA: Give us a break, Guy, will ya? Open Your Heart. This child’s been through a lot. This is it’s a chance for a better life. It will get an education, a decent house, a chance to achieve something…maybe a No.1 album or…

GUY: Is it kosher?

MADONNA: No. I’ve told you Guy, I’ve given up on Kabbalah.

GUY: No, you silly slag, I mean did it fall off a back of a lorry?

MADONNA: No, of course not. Like any other prospective adoptive parent there’s a whole vetting process to go through…

GUY [interrupts]: A vetting process? I’ve just been watching that on Animal Hospital. It’s a fucking scam…

MADONNA: No, not vets…vetting! Checks on the parents, how they live, what they can offer the child…that kinda thing.

GUY Oh. Yeah, right, sorry. But we can bypass all that, right?

MADONNA: Yeah, yeah, of course. It’s Borderline but my publicist reckons that a few photo ops with the kid at the zoo should do it.

GUY and MADONNA look into each other’s eyes and then at the baby. They then hear the smashing of glass. VINNIE JONES enters the room by breaking through the window. He is carrying a pack of disposable nappies and holding a shotgun.

VINNIE: I've got some bad news for you two.

MADONNA: It’s alright. We know. Guy’s been turned down for the Animal Hospital Movie.

VINNIE: Its worse than that.

GUY: Fuck, no.

VINNIE kicks GUY in the crotch and takes the child, putting the baby under his arm.

VINNIE: Mind your language in front of the boy!

GUY: Jesus Christ!

VINNIE kicks GUY in the crotch again

VINNIE: That includes blasphemy as well!

GUY: What do you want?

VINNIE: I’m from Wiltshire child services. I’m taking the kid in.

[VINNIE turns to Madonna and stares before striding back out the window he entered from].

GUY & MADONNA: Shit!