Surprise birth ends Labour succession crisis

Blairite loyalists were celebrating today after Victoria HQ, the central office of the Labour Party, gave birth to a baby boy who will one day become the 52nd Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

While scientists and medical experts raised questions concerning the child’s genealogy, the rest of the country greeted the arrival with relief that a boy had been born into the governing party for the first time. Relief was expressed at averting a succession crisis that had not only threatened to bring one of the world's oldest democracies to the brink of extinction but also the very real prospect of a wave of mass destruction as the nation’s citizens kicked in their televisions at the umpteenth annunciation of the phrase “stable and orderly transition”.

The baby's arrival is expected to put on hold talk of a timetable for a Brownite succession which would have allowed the Chancellor to take the premiership. The new arrival, who will be named in a ceremony in a week's time, is the first child to be born into the governing party and will, owing to a little known rule in the party’s constitution (clause 7, subsection 5), become the new leader of the party when current leader, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, decides to step down.

The 2.55kg (5lb 10oz) baby, conceived by artificial insemination using the revolutionary Byers-Milburn procedure, was said to be doing well after the delivery, by Mandelsonean section, at a private hospital in Pimlico. Following the ground-breaking techniques utilised in the baby’s conception, and repeated exposure during pregnancy to recordings of the current PM’s speeches, it is expected that the new arrival’s first words will include a pledge to continue the Blair legacy. A stinking nappy policy statement to feed into the Chancellor’s Comprehensive Spending Review plans is also anticipated sometime in the New Year.

Current PM Tony Blair, 53, was seen doing cartwheels in the garden of No.10 and has yet to speak publicly about the birth, although he was quoted as thanking his party for "a job well done". The Chancellor was unavailable for comment. Treasury sources indicated, however, that while the Chancellor had thrown his toys out of the pram at news of the birth, it was likely that a complicated PFI deal would be struck to ensure these assets would not be passed on to the new arrival.

Now the identity of the next Prime Minister has become clear, a cabinet reshuffle is likely with current Home Secretary John Reid expected to be named Godfather. Current Chancellor Gordon Brown can, however, look forward to spending some time on the naughty step.